So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
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Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
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She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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