Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
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You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
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Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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