My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
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Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
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Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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