can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
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I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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