A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
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I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
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cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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