you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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