i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
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We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
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Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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