I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
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the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
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by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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