Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
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i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
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Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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