Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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