my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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