Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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