Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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