Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
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Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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