if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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