I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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