i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
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New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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