I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
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after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
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My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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