just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
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just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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