I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
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He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
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Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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