I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
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This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
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Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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