Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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