i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
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We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
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Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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