awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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