I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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