I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
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He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
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Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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