just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize