Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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