My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
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The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
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me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
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