Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
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Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
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Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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