I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
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Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
How many fucks given?
0.12846
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Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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