I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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