I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
i drank out of a bidet.
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we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
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He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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