It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
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I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
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Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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