True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
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It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
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I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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