FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
it glows. i had to have it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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