Already got asked if we're dating
I looked at my own cervix.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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