So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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