Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
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What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
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also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
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