The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
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He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
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How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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