So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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