I puked a lego.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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