Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
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Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
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I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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