he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize