I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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