She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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