took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
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Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
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New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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