My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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