we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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