I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
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Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
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He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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